I should be there :: 2006-01-23

I should be fit. I should be sexy. I should be happy.

I should be able to wear sleevless shirts and be proud of the definition in my arms. The definition that I have worked hard for.

I should feel sexy wearing a dress and heels instead of self concious and thinking that fat girls should not go out and can't look pretty. Scratch that. Fat girls can look pretty, I just can't.

I shouldn't think thoughts like that.

What is holding me back?
Why am I letting it hold me back?
What can I do to overcome it?

I need to work harder. Not necessarily at the eating/working out bit, but the psychological.

But should I?

Should I be analyzing why I do or don't do certain things? Shouldn't I just "do it" and not think so much?

Which is the better route? Which is the route that I should choose?

Why does losing weight have to be so hard?

Why can't losing weight just be about losing weight and not about a dozen or two other factors as well?

Why can't it just be that one thing with no other issues attached?

I don't know. But I can't keep letting it get to me.

I am not happy being unhealthy the way that I am.

So I have to change that.

I have to do better.

I have to treat myself better.

I have to love myself and then I will look cared for.