Always wondering why :: 2006-03-06
I have the same issue all of the time:
FOOD
Eating too much of it, binging. Daily binging and, one so far, purging as well.
The purge thing is not something that I had done before, but I actually binged with the intention of purging in mind. I was suprised at the whole process. It was simple, easy and I felt no guilt over it though I knew it was wrong. The only downside was a sore throat at the end of it all, but that didn't even last all that long.
Tonight I binged but there was no purge. There was some slight bringing up of food due to the fact that I had simply eaten too much, but that was it.
It's still not right though.
I was doing well all day too. I woke up early to work out (I didn't finish my workout unfortunately) and I ate well all day at work. It wasn't until I arrived at home where the bad eating happened.
I don't understand the hold that food has over me. Or why it even does. I keep thinking that I need to figure that out and then I can overcome it. However, I'm leaning more toward "just doing it" and forcing myself out of constant over eating rather than soul searching for answers. I really have no excuse to overeat. What the hell void am I filling with food?
I have a great man. He is far away, but we'll be together. I trust him.
I have wonderful children who bring joy to my life.
I have a job and am able to pay my rent/bills. I may not like all aspects of my job, but who does?
I have a warm home.
I have food.
I have family.
I have friends.
So why the eating? Why stuff myself so full that it literally makes me sick?
I don't get it.
Do I have to get it to be able to get over it?
What do I have to do?!?!
I don't just want to be thin. I want to be healthy. I want to be strong. I want to be fit. I want to be sexy.
I have all of the tools to do it. So why aren't I????????????????????????????????
