April 5 - Update Goals :: 2005-04-05

So I've decided to give this entry another shot. Ugh. I probably won't ramble on as much this time, which is great for anyone who decides to read this.

I realized the other day that I have to update my goals page sooner than I had thought. My second challenge is starting soon. April 10 - July 2 2005. This is one that I am determined not to screw up.

I refuse to label this challenge as m first because it isn't. It doesn't matter that I didn't actually follow my program the entire time the first time, but every day I tried to just keep going. I know which days are upper body and cardio and lower body and just went from there. It doesn't matter that I didn't make every single one and that I am actually bigger than I was to begin with. That is not the program's fault, it's my own.

Anyway, this will be challenge #2 coming up. I have one giant humongous super important reason to finish this properly - ME.

I feel like shit being the way that I am now. It doesn't feel like me. I don't even recognize myself in the mirror when I can actually bring myself to view into one. I used to be complimented on my cheek bones. I realized a few days back that I can't even really see them anymore. My face is just all roundness and my features look lost. Like they were just stuck onto an oversized balloon.

I want my clothes to fit me again. I can't afford new ones and I've got loads just sitting there not being worn because I can't fit my huge ass into them anymore.

Ugh.

I have a secret to confess. I don't wear underwear anymore. This is not some I feel sexy going commando thing. Nope. Not even close. I just can't fit into the underwear that I own. And a lot of them are even XL so how fucking gross is that? I have loads of really cute panties and even matching sets (I'm addicted to La Senza) but I can't even wear them. Even some of the bras can no longer be hooked in the back because they just don't reach or they are much too tight.

I am only 24 years old and I'm too fat to wear my own knickers. Chicks in their 20s are supposed to be hot. Or at least mildly alluring.

I can't even pick up at the bar anymore. Ok, I don't even go to the bar anymore. The bar really meaning clubs where I love(d) to dance and have fun with my friends. Even if I didn't actually "pick up" I was still approached. I'm too embarassed to go. Fat girl dancing just isn't sexy. At least in my own mind for me.

And I love dancing.

*sigh*

Anyway, I'm updating my goals page. I'll even have some pictures available soon providing I can actually bring myself to post them.